Marriage is for the Birds?!

“Never Take Relationship Advice from A Single Girl…she is a just going to hate on you” how many of you have ever heard that said? I think it’s dumb but I may be bias because I am that single girl….So, if you believe that to your heart, then exit from this note because you’re about to think that I’m a hater. I assure you, this is out of love, not hate. My personal philosophy on advice is that I take it from people who 1) have similar morals as I, 2) shares my faith (this is flexible but definitely true for things like relationships), 3) who lifestyle I respect in the aspect that I seek advice.

I’ve noticed two trends that are alarming and disheartening

1) The Divorce Rate is going up at an alarming rate
2) Black People don’t get married much anymore


We can all name many reasons why this trend is so, but at the root of the problem is PREPARATION! Meaning…

Most people have a picture in mind how their life will look once they “settle down” perhaps it looks like this:

Attractive husband/wife, kids, dog, house, careers, faith, fun, vacation, travel, sex

All of that is great however many factors must be considered…

A) Have you made preparation to be the person that you have in your mind? For example, I can want to learn Spanish and imagine myself speaking fluently all day and night, but until I pick up the software and start studying then it’s all a dream (true story). The same is true for obtaining the type of lasting relationship that you have in mine. If you want to be an effective husband, wife, mother, or father -who your spouse adores and kids look up to you, you have to make preparation to get there. If you are not disciplined in your singleness then what makes you think that all of a sudden you are going to be the “marrying type” and it actually work?

1. Do you like to gain more than you give in relationships? If so, that is something that should be dealt with now, while single
2. Are you chasing after shallow things? i.e. how someone looks, car they drive, how much money they make, etc. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things but they should by no means out shadow the things of substance
3. Do you truly know how to love? Not surface love, but the type of love that Christ demonstrates. Lasting relationships requires us to display selfless love, unconditional/agape love. This is extremely important because marriage is permanent and everything isn’t going to be good all the time. You may have sick children that may shake your faith, someone might get laid off making paying bills a struggle, etc. and you made a commitment to be there, regardless! NOW… American society has spoiled us into thinking that we should get what we want, how we want it, when we want it so when things don’t go as planned, we walk away (which often times is fine because we didn’t make a commitment) ….many of us take that same mentality into marriage so when things get difficult, we bail.
4. If you have not experienced God, you CANNOT properly love in a marriage…I’m sorry but it can’t happen. God is love, God demonstrates love to us and allows us to love ourselves and others. God wants to love and God will increase our capacity to love. I started praying that prayer over the last year and I promise it happened. “Lord, increase my capacity to love, forgive, show mercy”

Preparation is key, and it starts now, not when you meet the person who you want to be with. I have encountered many men who want to get married but when they meet a woman that they would married they are scared to death because they realize that they can’t really handle the woman that they want. So they end up either running from it or playing games and sabotaging the relationship because it requires too much work.

A theologian whom I respect, Andy Stanley, posed this question “Are you the person that the person that you are looking for is looking for?”

I think the question is genius! I honestly have to answer no, I am getting there, but I have a few more things that I need to work out before I’m ready for marriage. God has called me to a BIG purpose and in order for me to be most effective, there are some things that I need to change and examine. I also think it’s extremely important for me to guard my purpose, meaning, if a man doesn’t have purpose and passion for life…then I really shouldn’t get involved romantically. I have cousins, future children, brothers, sisters, friends, family, etc. to guide….when I allow someone to led me astray, it’s a chain affect…and God does not get the greatest possible glory out of my life.

I think marriage is a beautiful thing, my parents have been married for over 40years and I’m thankful for the example, I’m also thankful that it taught me that marriage is full of highs and lows but genuine love is the glue that holds it together. Strong families is essential to strong community and a strong nation. If you breakup the family…the devil has greater access. I hope that black love will grow and be sustained! Be encouraged!

Feel free to share your thoughts :)

G2G!

Kris